The End of M

I watched the Grey’s Anatomy finale what seems like forever ago.
(Spoiler warning)
At the end of the episode it’s discovered Nathan’s “person” Megan is found alive.
Meredith tells him the news, knowing this was the end of their relationship.
She gracefully let him go after his “person” because she knew if it were Derek, she would do the same.

As a Grey’s fan I was pulling for Mer and Nathan.
I wanted Mer to feel happiness again.
But maybe Nathan wasn’t meant to be her next person.
Maybe Nathan was meant to be the “first one after,” for her.

When you really love someone, you don’t move on immediately.
If you do, it’s either a rebound or you didn’t really love who you were with.
You may have loved them and not take as long to get over them, but it should take you at least a few months of grieving. If not, that speaks volumes.

I’ve written on this blog more times than I can count that a massive love for me was my ex-fiancé, J.
Moving on from him, the emotional abuse, the verbal abuse, the narcissism, etc. has been a long process. We’ve not been “officially” together for 2 years and I’m still bouncing back.
I’ve mentioned M before. M was the first guy who really pursued me/I gave a chance, after J.
I met him in October and we casually saw each other for a while.
I couldn’t commit to a relationship with him, for multiple reasons.

When M went away in December, I told him we needed to reevaluate where we were.
When he got back, I planned to end things.
Somehow he turned that conversation around on me.
I continued to see him. By February, I knew I needed to end it.
I had a birthday in March, that I knew he had plans for (even though I told him not to).

So, I decided to wait till after my birthday.
Seeing him wasn’t miserable..But it was very difficult at times.
During that time, we had multiple disagreements. Not arguments, I want to be clear. We just weren’t seeing eye to eye on things.
I hoped maybe he would see we would be better off as friends.

However, he didn’t.
He fell deeper as I fell further away.
After my birthday party, that night actually, he started the conversation (I planned to have it the next day).

I hurt M.
He was falling for me, when he shouldn’t have.
I felt awful. I hate hurting people.
I cried, too much.

M is a great guy. He’s a kind one, with a great heart.
But, I couldn’t give M what he needed.
I’m not what he needs or wants, even if he doesn’t see it.
M needs someone with less relationship experience.
He needs someone who believes in very simple “love.”

After you’ve been engaged, planned to be with someone forever, had that blow up, and be abusive. You see love differently.
I’m not easy to love.
I’ve extremely complex and anyone who is interested, will need to have relationship experience.
He will need to be able to understand complete heartbreak, and how that changes you.

M needs someone who needs physical touch.
He needs someone who is a deeper thinker. He needs someone who appreciates grand gestures, romance, and needs him.
I’m not this person. I think about things, and let them go. I don’t think about things every time I’m alone or constantly have deep thoughts.
I’m just not that serious.
I don’t really need and want grand gestures. I want someone to be there and prove their feelings.
Romance is weird to me, and it’s not my thing. I know, I’m weird.

M needs someone who’s into history, politics, law, etc.
He needs someone who wants kids.

He needs someone who matches up more with his personality and his family.
M and I very different people.
We both appreciate sports and humor, but we’re pretty much opposite in every other way.
He could do the same every day, and be totally fine with.
That would bore me to no end.

I think M is a great person. We are still friends.
But I know M was the person for me.
I sincerely hope and know he will meet someone who fits with him perfectly.

M and I didn’t have a happy ending.
It’s been a hard transition to friends, and it’s taking time.
But, I’m really thankful for M.
M absolutely had a purpose in my life, even if it wasn’t what he wanted.
M was my first “person after.”
He was the first guy to really try to pursue me, understand me, and date me after J.

Before M, I wasn’t certain I would ever attract a kind guy.
I wasn’t sure anyone could handle all of my mess, J created.
I was also certain no one would want to deal with all the insecurities and hurt J had instilled in my brain.
But M, he took it on.
He heard my whole story and somehow didn’t run.

He showed me that I’m loveable and someone decent actually can like me.He spent entirely too much time trying to build up things about me, he knew J hurt.

M put up with more than anyone should really have to.
Date someone from a broken and abusive engagement, and tell me how easy it is.
He solidified what I know I need in someone.

M helped me no longer live in fear.
For a long time, I was terrified to like anyone.
All I know from relationships is pain, and I wasn’t ready to allow someone to power to hurt me.
But, my time with M showed me I can’t live in fear.
Hurt is part of relationships. It always will be, even in lasting relationships.
I can’t be terrified to love again, because someone broke me in the past.

With that being said, I have no intentions of going after anyone.
Before M and “What if”” guy happened, I was really happy with being single.
I had a taste of the possibility of a relationship, and I was sad to see that end.
But, I want to get back to a place of complete happiness with my singleness.
Don’t get me wrong; I’m good with it.
But, I’m not in the same place with my “singleness joy” as I was in the fall.
I want to be joyful being single.
I’m thankful I’m no longer being in a bad relationship or in the wrong relationship.
But, I’m still a little sad the possibilities didn’t work out.

I’m taking time to get back to complete joy in my singleness.

I also need to figure out my life, before a guy comes along.
I turned 25 in March. In May, I celebrated 2 years of being single.
I think I’m aiming for being single till at least 26.
After 26, I’ll reevaluate where I am with guys and relationships.

I say all this because I want you to know, sometimes you come across great people, but they aren’t meant to be yours.
M will be perfect for someone else and when he meets her, he’ll see it.
M wasn’t my forever. But, M was my “first person after,” and he had a major part in my journey after J.
I don’t take him for granted and I didn’t use him.
I genuinely wanted it to work out for us, but it didn’t. That doesn’t mean I don’t see how he was an important piece of my story.
I’m thankful M happened, and I’m looking forward to more healing and understanding.

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