Enough

Sometimes you have to know when enough is enough.

That looks differently to every person, for every situation.
For me, it meant leaving my job.

I’ve known from pretty early on that my job wouldn’t be a long-term place.
The head boss was very much so a Theory X manager.
He demanded all control.
He expected everyone to agree with everything he said.
He wanted you to shut up and take what he said..even when he was wrong.

He’s controlling.
He’s manipulative.
He belittles people who disagree with him.
He has a raging temper.
He thinks he knows everything, and is above you.
He’s very vocal about his political beliefs.
He has major pride/ego issues.
He’s also rather sexist.

When I heard him screaming at people on the phone, that had no control over things he was upset about, I knew I didn’t want to work for him.
When I heard this man claim to be a believer, but act like a massive jerk all the time, I knew he wasn’t someone healthy.

As I listened to him talk down to my (no ex) co-workers, and dictate everything they did, I knew I had to get out of there soon.

I didn’t know that would be this week.
I had just started seriously looking for another job, when stuff went down.

Last week, I disagreed with my boss for the first time.
I was polite about it, but I knew he likely wouldn’t take it well.
When he blew up in front of all my co-workers and started belittling me, I knew we and I would never be on okay terms.
He didn’t exactly fire me, but he set it up in a way to make sure I would quit.

And I did.
I quit.

I have zero regrets.

Unemployment sucks.
Job hunting sucks.

But you know what sucks more?
Being in a toxic environment.

Working there was not helping my healing.
Working there wasn’t really giving me much experience.
I learned almost nothing there.
I was given zero room to be creative.
When they asked me what I wanted to do long-term, they told me I would never make a living doing “that.”
Guess what? They’re wrong. Plenty of people do. Maybe I will be one of them. Maybe I won’t. It doesn’t matter. Their response sucked.

The pay was terrible. The treatment sucked.
There were multiple people who quit before I did (and I get why).
I was gaining basically nothing there.

Sometimes you have to quit.
You have to know when enough is enough.
You have to stand up for yourself.
Your mental health matters.

If you’re in a situation where you’re being disrespected, belittled, or it’s just toxic, leave.
You’ll be doing yourself a favor.
Your happiness matters.
Being respected is a big deal.
Not being treated differently because of your gender, religion, etc. should be expected.

If you aren’t growing, it’s not working.
If you dread going into whatever situation it may be for you, you don’t belong there.

Take a chance.
Look elsewhere.
You’re going to find something that’s better.
You’ll find something that’s healthier.
Find something or someone who will value you and see your worth.

Demand respect. Demand fair treatment.
Your mental health matters.
Don’t let money, or whatever it is, determine staying in a bad situation.

Be bold. Stand up for yourself.
You deserve that.

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Over it

There comes a time you’re over it.
You no longer think about that person every time you do something you did with them.
You no longer think about them when you go somewhere you went with them.
You no longer think about them.

I’m finally getting that time.
I’m declaring that I’M OVER J.

Like seriously, really over him.
I’ve known for a long time that I didn’t want to be with him.
But I knew I wasn’t over it.
Everything went back to him.
Everything went back to the pain he caused on me.
Everything went back to the terror of being that hurt again.

But now…Now I’m not scared.
I’m not scared to be with someone.
I’m not scared to explore a relationship possibility.

J doesn’t enter my mind every morning.
He isn’t in my head when I go to bed, watch sports, see friends, etc.
He isn’t there.

He doesn’t dictate my life.
He doesn’t hurt me.
He doesn’t impact my decisions.

I’m not his victim anymore.
He no longer has a part in my daily life.

J will forever be a part of my story.
The way he treated me, the way he abused me, the way he abandoned me, and the words he said to me will always be a part of.
But that no longer defines me.

My engagement to my narcissist was a season of my life.
It was dark.
It was damaging.
It was a low point.

But it was a season.
It does not define my life moving forward.
It does not determine how others will treat me.
It does not have any impact on my goals.

He no longer gets to control me.
I’m free.
I can do what I want..when I want to.
I can see who I want.
I can cheer for whatever team I want to.

I’ve found complete and ultimate freedom.

That season with J will never be missed.

Oh Ex’s

We are back tracking a little bit.

The week of Christmas, while I was trying to have a happy holiday, I got an unexpected email.

J tried to add me as a connection on LinkedIn.

I’ve probably said this a couple hundred times, but the end of J and I was UGLY.
He blocked me out when he NEEDED to be there.
I did some tough stuff on my own (discussing that at the appropriate time in March/April).
But I want to be clear, he blocked me.
I gave him the chance to be there for his responsibility, and he wasn’t.
After a few months, I blocked him back. If he ever (or did), unblock me, I wanted to make sure he couldn’t attempt contact.
If you’ve ever dealt with a narc, then you know their overwhelming power to manipulate you..I didn’t want to ever take that chance.

So, when I returned from a dentist visit, to an email from LinkedIn telling me he wanted to add me as a connection…I thought it was a mistake.
I went to my LinkedIn page, and there it was.
This kid really tried to add me.

This infuriated me.
J doesn’t get to attempt to talk to me.
Not after what he did.

I was fuming.
I had to go for a run.
I had to be alone.
I had to breathe.
I had to feel the cool air on my skin to calm me down.
As I was trying to run and calm down, some gross dudes attempted to hit on me.
I’ve never been so close to hitting a man in the..well you know.
Don’t mess with a girl when she’s trying to run..Specifically when she looks as intense as I did.

I left it there for a few days..I assumed he’d see it was a mistake and delete it.
Nope.
It sat there.
Finally, I responded:

I like to think this request was a mistaken button hit. If it’s not, my response: (link to “Shout Out to My Ex”).
And as you’d always do, peace out.
Stay out.

Whenever that boy and I would fight, he’d send the peace out emoji to me.
I hated it. Finally, I got to do it back.

He looked at my profile the next day, and that was that.

I get it..that’s not the nicest response ever.But after treating me the way he did, he doesn’t get respect. He doesn’t get my kindness.
I’m returning his own words and keeping him out.
I don’t need that toxic person around.

As if that wasn’t enough Ex stupidity,  a guy I dated for a hot minute got mad at me the other day.

So this guy, we will call him L.
He lied about himself, a lot.When I met him, he lied about being a father of two, being divorced, and smoking.

As these things started coming out, we weren’t working out.
He was pretty controlling and disrespectful.
Once he called me to tell me his ex-wife had been in a car accident, and he moved her into his place to help her while she recovered..I was done.
We broke up.
It didn’t even really hurt. I was done.

I deleted him off FB once I met J.
He wished me Happy Birthday via text, every year (weird).
He attempted to add me on FB, and I deleted it.

He attempted to add me again, last year.
As I was moving my mouse to the delete button, somehow my computer decided I had pushed “accept.”
So there he was..added.
I just left it, and figured I’d delete him a few weeks later.

He messaged me..Asking for another shot/asking me out.
He tried to ask a few different days, till he eventually gave up.
This guy is not worth another shot. No.

So when he tried to add me on Snapchat last week, I ignored it.
He and I aren’t on that kind of talking level.
We aren’t even friends.

He FB messaged me, wondering why I wouldn’t add him.
When I told him we aren’t that kind of communication level, he decided I told him “he wasn’t good enough to talk to.”
Total BS, I didn’t say that.
I told him I didn’t say that at all, and he needed to stop being so dramatic.

Apparently he wasn’t a fan, cause he deleted me on FB.
I honestly have no care.
We aren’t friends.
I would never date him again.
He was a total jerk to me. He doesn’t get treated like a king, when he treated me like trash.

As my best friend said, “Here’s the floor, there’s the door.”
Stay out ex’s.

2016

So many people thing 2016 was a terrible year.
In a lot of ways, it was a hard year.

2016 was one of my most difficult years. It’s even possible it was my most difficult year.
The first half of the year was full of hurt, abuse, isolation, unemployment, and a lot of prayers.

But the second half of the year.2016 brought on intense healing.
It brought on a new life.
I came out of my shell.
I met new people.
I starting thriving and not just surviving.

From January to June, J dictated my life.
We weren’t even really together, but he controlled me.
I saw him twice, which was stupid.
He claimed he wouldn’t date anyone till we figured out where we were going.
That wasn’t the case, and he ditched me at a time he needed to be around.

That time was awful.
My heart was broken.
But, I’m crazy thankful he walked out.
He did it at the worst time. He did it in the worst way (something I’ll get to in the coming months).
But it was something I needed. I needed him to completely show his ugly awful colors one last time.

2016 was intense heartbreak for me.
I finally let him go.
I finally started to live MY life.
I no longer lived a controlled and dictated life.
J no longer had a say in anything I did.
J no long could disrespect me.
He no longer had the ability to hurt me.
He no longer was able to call me name.
He no longer was able to accuse me of things HE was doing.

2016 was the year I started to live.
It was the year a narcissist no longer had a say in what I did.
It was the year I was who I wanted to be.
It was the year people started noticing me, and not just passing me by.
That all goes back to me finding MY freedom.

2016 was the year I got my first big girl job.
It was the year I found a life group who actually got me.
It was the year I finally didn’t feel totally weird about not being all girly, motherly, and overly nurturing.

A new year doesn’t mean all the past hurt disappears.
It’s still there.
I’ll still be dealing with it.
But, it does mean that 2017 can be an entire year spent away from that person.
2017 can be a full year dedicated to more healing and more living.

If you feel stuck, know you won’t be stuck forever.
I felt stuck for 3 years.
I wondered when I would finally break free from the emotional and verbal abuse.
I wondered when he would no longer control me, hurt me, and disrespect me.
My time finally came in 2016.
There will be people who will want to help you break free.
They’ll love you and all your junk.
They’ll encourage you on the hard days.
They’ll help you heal.
They’ll love on you.

You’ll discover you want to love on others.
You’ll find a new sense of life and adventure.
You’ll want to make new memories.
You’ll want to do things you’re wanted to do..and you’ll actually DO them.

Maybe you’re still stuck
Maybe you’re discouraged.
But hang on.
Your time is coming.
2017 can be your year of healing, freedom, living, and making new memories!

Friendzone Update

There was this blog post a few months ago titled “Friendzoned.”
If you didn’t read that, this is who/what I’m referencing:

There was this boy at college.
I met him my first semester there, and thought he was kind of cute.
We talked in class since we had small class sizes, and he was put in my class work group.
We had stuff in common and he was a nice guy.
We were both in relationships, and neither of us believe in cheating. So, we were friends, and that was that.
The next year, that relationship ended, I got sick, had to leave school, and we didn’t talk.
Fast forward to my senior year, and I had him in a few of my classes.

I remember seeing him sitting in our classroom and thinking “oh crap.”
During my senior year, I was engaged.
I only ever seemed to see him when I was not single.
I knew my engagement was not in a good place.
I also knew he was that one person I always had those “what if” questions about.
But I was not going to even play with that. I don’t cheat. I loved my fiance (even though I shouldn’t have).
We were friends, that was that, again.

Days after I graduated, my engagement ended.
It was a brutal time.
I sat in my apartment, I was supposed to be packing up, sobbing.
He was fresh out of his long-term relationship, I was fresh out of my engagement, and we shared our woes.
I moved away, he stayed, and we continued to talk every so often.

Months later, he’d tell me he missed me and wanted to hang out.
Well, that’s never happened.
He’s come in and out of my life a few times. He’s all talk, no action.
He will talk to no end about wanting to hang out, and never actually make plans.
This is a warning sign, people.
If someone won’t make actual plans with you, they aren’t serious about you.
I’m to the point now that when I receive a random “I miss you text” from him, I start to laugh. I know how this goes.
He’s not a bad guy, but he’s not a guy that is serious about me….

This guy is B.
B has been my what if guy for 4 years.
Yeah, I’ve liked him that long.

I maybe unknowingly lied, when I said he was friendzoned forever.
So back in October, I saw a picture of him at his brother’s wedding.
It got me thinking about how that seriously could have been us if things had just been different.
I chewed on that thought for a few days, till I eventually wrote out my feelings to him.
I expressed how I always wondered about us, wasn’t looking to jump into anything, and just wanted to get to know him better, if he felt the same way.
He said he did..
We talked for a week, and it died..
I thought I had decided to put that idea to bed, forever.

I didn’t.
On December 19th, I asked him to give me info on something going on in his town.
He didn’t respond till the next day, over 24 hours later.
He was pretty brief in his text, and I figured that was just where we stood..Not really talking.
Eventually the conversation lightened up a bit, and he asked me if I made the trip there, if I would be alone.
I told him I would be.

He offered up his place to stay, which I thought was a serious joke.
It wasn’t.

We talked on the 23rd about the possibility of meeting up, or me making the drive there.
We talked on Christmas.
On the 26th, I was driving there.

Was this possibly irresponsible? Yes.
Could this be seen as a wrong? I guess so.
Was I aware of what I was getting into? Yes.

I want to be clear. M and I are not in a relationship.
I was not cheating.
He’s in Florida for the week, and I have the week off.
We are taking some time this week to reevaluate where we are, and where we are heading.

On the 26th, I got there around 3.
We hadn’t seen each other in a year and a half.
We chatted for a while.
Flirted a bit.
He took me through the Christmas Light Displays I wanted to see.
He took me to the Christmas store.
We got our picture taken with Rudolph.
He held my hand. Touched my leg.
Hugged me from behind.
I would be lying to you if I said I hated it.

He took me out to dinner (in his large and sexy truck).
We went back to his place, watched sports, cuddled, and talked.
We kissed.
It was amazing.

I’ve waited 4 long years to cuddle and kiss this boy.
Should I possibly feel a little like a slut for kissing and cuddling two people in the same week? Maybe…
But I needed to do this for me.

I needed to see if real stuff was there, with B.
I needed to figure out my feelings for M.

I’ve always dated one person, hopped into a relationship, and been with them long-term.
I’m trying to not do that this time.
I’ve never casually dated two people at once.
I’ve never kissed two people in the same week.
I’ve always been crazy loyal.

I don’t regret my choice.
I just have a lot of thinking to do, moving forward.

Life, wow

It’s been a hot minute since I’ve written.
Christmas season was crazy busy. I was rarely home.

Life has happened.
Things have changed.

The weekend of the 17th-18th was hard.
It was the first time I really struggled with M.

Helping him move in 10 degree weather was brutal, and he wasn’t being the man I expected.
He was unhappy, tired, sore, etc.
Listen, I get it. Moving is one of the worst things on this planet.
Moving in freezing temps is even worse.
But it’s something you do and get through. He wasn’t doing that.
I left that weekend concerned if he was what I really wanted and needed.

On the 20th we went to a Christmas “festival.”
The conversation didn’t go all that well.
In fact, we basically calmly disagreed the entire night.

M isn’t a stand up for himself kind of guy.
He’s a kind heart that hates confrontation.
I completely understand that, to a degree.
I don’t enjoy confrontation. I don’t like fighting.
But sometimes you have to put your foot down and have a backbone.
M isn’t this way. So, his roommate walks all over him.
It’s gotten to a point that confrontation needs to happen..M doesn’t want to.
So, I spent most of that night pushing him to stand up for himself.
That’s not something I should have to do.
He should stand up for himself.

He told me after, he felt attacked by me.
I can’t be dating someone who feels attacked by me, when I’m being firm with them.
I left that night very concerned about “us.”

See, I’ve dated a man without a back bone before.
I pushed him to stand up for himself.
I pushed him to stand up for me.
He wouldn’t do it.
I cannot be with someone like that.
I need someone who respectfully puts their foot down.
I need someone not afraid of confrontation, if it’s unavoidable.

M and I struggled the rest of the week..
But, by the time Christmas Eve rolled around, things seemed to be better.
We were getting along. He hung out with my family.
I thought things were going to be easy peasy for Christmas.
I was wrong.

Christmas was going fine and dandy. I expected to meet up with M at night to exchange gifts and watch football.
He disappeared during the day for 4 hours. I expected that he was busy with family.
I was informed late on Christmas he drank too much and was sobering up.
He wanted to see me.
I wasn’t happy.

Christmas with my ex fiance, J, was always bad.
I’ve had 3 years of Christmas filled with drama and pain.
His family would always fight, he’d take it out on me, and he’d make me cry on Christmas.
It was so bad that one year, he almost dumped me on Christmas day.

I planned for 2016 to finally be my Christmas.
My day to have zero drama and be happy.
However, the guy I’m seeing drank too much, and our plans were killed.
I had zero interest seeing him intoxicated.
I was upset when I felt he was pushing me to see him, as I made it clear I was unhappy with his decisions.
I was upset when he told me “had he known Christmas with J was so hard, he would have just hung out with me all day.”
See, it’s not my job to keep him from seeing his family. It’s not my job to keep him sober.
That’s on him.
It was his responsibility

I felt he failed me.
He wasn’t what I needed on Christmas.
He ruined our plans by his drinking.
It was another Christmas with hurt and disappointment.

It really hurt.
And I cried.
I vented to my best friend.
I wondered why I ever decided to give him a shot.
Life without dating was good. I was happy.
Now a boy was screwing that all up.
Why did I do this?

Christmas night was rough, but there was someone there…

Inner Battles

On Friday M and I had a dressy Christmas party to attend.
It was basically the first event we’ve attended where it was obvious we weren’t just friends.
I was nervous.
I was worried what people might say.

People asked my best friend about it.
People asked me about it.
But it seemed to go well.
Everyone has been very supportive of this “thing.”

Yet Saturday, I freaked out.
I learned Friday night I was meeting his family Saturday.
I don’t have a great history with moms. For dumb reasons, my ex’s moms rarely seem to like me.
J and his mom had a down right creepy relationship, so it  wasn’t shocking she didn’t like me (he practically dated his mom).
The other one, his mom supported his sister’s drug habits. When I didn’t she decided I was bad news.
So, I was nervous.
I just want a family to get me.

I’m not your average girl.
I’m not the typical overly sweet, frilly, kid loving, and home maker type chick.
I’m sarcastic.
I like sports.
I don’t think kids are the cutest things in the world (have you seen puppies or pandas?)
I don’t love cooking, cleaning, and the overall idea of what a “wife should be” blah blah blah.
I think the idea of a home maker woman is vanilla.
Plenty of people want vanilla.
Plenty love vanilla. That’s awesome, seriously.

But I’m not vanilla.
I’m a Brownie Batter Blizzard from DQ.
People either love that or hate that about me.

On Saturday I was getting questions from a few people about M.
I was stressed and nervous about meeting his parents.

I had a mini freak out.
I sat in the bath tub and cried.
There was so much being said to me by friends and I was feeling pressure.

I need people to not freak out and question me on this.
One of the reasons I planned to be single for 2 years was because I didn’t want to be the girl who always has someone.
I wanted to prove to myself and others I could be just fine single for a while.
I had every intention to do that.
But sometimes things happen that don’t go along with plans.

I seriously began to question myself on Saturday.
Could I do this?

J hurt me.
He hurt me to the point that dating again has been terrifying.
Almost paralyzing.
I do not want to be hurt again.
I never want to be that broken.
It’s not that I think M will hurt me. I’m just terrified IF if happens.

I’m struggling with people knowing that I’m dating.
These people don’t care that I’m “seeing” someone.
In fact most have been very supportive.
But in my head, I care.

Why?
Why do I give a crap if people see me happy?

It hasn’t been two years, no.
I haven’t been able to prove to people I don’t need someone..
But none of them care.
So why do I?

I don’t know.
Working on it.

After a mini freak out on Saturday afternoon, I met his family.
I was trying to be happy and perky and not let on to the fact I was losing it earlier in the day.
They were kind.
His dad was hilarious.
His sister was sarcastic (YESSSS).
His mom looked at me a lot.
I couldn’t figure out if she was judging me, disliking me, or just listening with a straight face.
I left that meeting slightly concerned I had another mom not loving me.

I’m not the best at first impressions.
I’m better at having people warm up to me over some time.

So when he told me his mom and sister loved me…I almost cried.
Finally, a family who is cool with me, being me.

This doesn’t put to bed all my inner freak outs.
I’m still dealing with them.
I’m still dealing with letting all of J’s damage over me go.

M has been incredible. He wants to hear about my struggle.
He wants to be there and help me through it.
He doesn’t deserve this crap, but he’s been amazing.

I don’t have it all figured out.
If you don’t have it all figured out and all this dating crap, or whatever, is making you freak out, I get it.
I’m right there with you.
I’m trying to remind myself not everyone is out to hurt me.

There are great people who want to be there for you.
Hug those people tight.
Love on them.
They’re worth dealing with your inner crap to be with.
Thank them for being patient, loving, understandable, and wonderful.

You got this.